Posted in Babies, Birth, Body image, Family, Friends, Happiness, Health, Hospitals, Marriage, Mental Health, Mom life, Mum life, Parenting, Relationships, Sadness, Self love, Society, Spiritual, Uncategorized

Beautiful Sadness

Hello Beautiful People,

Today is R U OK day…..

I know I’ve written before about being a beautiful faker at life but I thought I’d bring it up again in light of it being R U OK day.

See the fact is, I’m actually not ok……

It seems it’s really really hard for people to understand that, because (apparently) I’m the strong one.

The one that can handle anything.

The one that’s always, laughing, smiling, loving and helping others.
Those that know the full dynamics of my family and history know how strong I can and have needed to be. 

Unfortunately, even the strong ones can come undone. Especially when life is being exceedingly stressful, so I’ve discovered recently.

In the last two years I’ve had a very traumatic emergency c-Section. Which took nearly six months to recover from physically. And I’m still trying to recover from it emotionally. The result of which is a beautiful yet highly rambunctious, energetic little being.

A very quick subsequent difficult pregnancy. The result of which is a beautiful baby girl with severe reflux and colic that never ever sleeps. 

At the end of my last pregnancy my eldest son was hospitalised and very sick for a couple of months. 

Then the next boy down required emergency surgery the following month.

And then the following month the next boy down got a late diagnosis of ASD, after years of me asking for an assessment for him.

And history repeatedly haunts me at stressful times…….

I’m exhausted, depleted, drowning, burnt out……Burning…….

I’ve doubled my weight…..

Doubled my wrinkles……

I don’t even recognise me when I look in the mirror…… 

It’s actually really depressing……..

And I’ve lost nearly all my friends…..

I’m not sure why this last one has happened but I’m assuming that it’s because I’m no longer fun to be around….

I’m still surrounded by people though (all my kids of course) and yet most of the time I feel a slight lingering sense of loneliness….

When anyone asks me if I’m ok I actually say “no, I’m drowning”…..

People then look at me confused, surprised even……

Most people reply with “oh you poor thing that’s what happens when you have so many kids”, “you’ll be ok when you get more sleep”, “what you need is….Childcare….. a night out….. a cleaner…. a good nights sleep…..” 

And the ‘helpful’ advice goes on and on…

I told my GP I was feeling overwhelmed and sad, so she gave me a script for antidepressants…….. I don’t take paracetamol at the best of times……

She told me “there’s no point in referring you to a councillor, I know you’re too time poor to go”…..

I’ve told my nearest and dearest family and friends and they say the same ‘helpful’ statements as above…….

So asking someone if they are okay, seems very multilayered to me. You need to really mean it. Actively listen to the persons answer. And then respond carefully, thoughtfully and appropriately.

I know I will be okay because I AM ‘the strong one’, infact I am one of the strongest people I know……

And I’ve been here before……. 

And right now I’m still in the midst of the fire……Burning a little more before the Phoenix is born…….

I cry at ads, movies, pretty much anything. I yell at nothing….. My hubby and eldest are concerned (but somewhat annoyed too, inconvenienced I guess by my lack of happiness). My younger ones are somewhat hyper vigilant but still mostly (age appropriately) self obsessed…….

So if I seem distant, disinterested, different…… Just be kind, please…..I don’t do sarcasm, criticism or ‘useful’ words well these days……

And yes I have guilt about feeling overwhelmed and sad…….

I know there are so so many people out there worse off than me………

And I’m still so grateful for this beautiful life….. And my beautiful babies…… But I’m still allowed to feel……….

And besides, any emotion I’m experiencing reminds me I’m alive…….

So I’ll sit here for a while longer in the warm heat of this beautiful sadness…..

So I’ll just continue to breath…..

So I’ll just continue to try to eat healthy…

So I’ll just continue to try to get fit……

So I’ll just continue to try to get more sleep…

So I’ll just continue to pretend to be happy …….

Because I believe if you fake it you make it…..

And if that’s all it takes to be me…….

I’ll just continue to keep doing what it takes just to be…….

Until I’m ready for the Phoenix to arise out of the sadness through to the other side 💜💛

https://www.ruokday.com/how-to-ask

https://m.lifeline.org.au/


Posted in Babies, Baby's, Birth, Black lives matter, Death, Family, Friends, Health, Houses, Marriage, Parenting, Peace, Race, Racism, Relationships, Self love, Society, Spiritual, Uncategorized

Beautiful Black Lives ❤️

Hello Beautiful People,

I know it seems that I’m wading in on this important issue a bit late but there are several personal reasons for me not speaking up until this week. Reasons that I have worked through and that have enlightened me. So it seems now is the time that, sadly, I need to voice where I stand on a very difficult racial topic.

Yes I love my husband, his friends and colleagues and yes we are a part of the blue family. But we were white before we were blue and we loved blacks before we were blue and we still do. Some of those blacks still love us back too even though we are white and now we are also blue….

Because colour doesn’t and shouldn’t matter. But it does…. And we are part of  a blue family that can and does consist of beautiful people, men and women who are caring and have families. People who feel empathy and sadness towards others. People who feel sadness, anger, hurt and frustration at the current climate and unnecessary deaths…. A lot of these people are a part of this community, some of them, like us have grown up here. Some are, have family, friends or neighbours who are Aboriginal. Sadness is felt by all of the good  blue people, but today is not about them. 

Today is about some of the most heartbreaking and tragically unnecessary deaths of some beautiful black lives. Indigenous lives, here and all over the world……

This week marks the four year anniversary of the death of a family friends daughter. A childhood friend of my own daughter. A beautiful young Aboriginal girl still in her teens. One who never ever showed me her ‘bad’ side despite so called evidence and hearsay about her behaviour. I always only ever saw a sweet, shy, soft, vulnerable young girl. A teenage girl, who, like all teenagers, was going through a bit of a rough time and could easily be swayed by others behaviours. This time every year I grieve for her along side her devastatingly heartbroken family…..   And although it is alleged that she took her own life, most of us know the trauma she experienced leading up to that desperately sad decision……RIP Molly, no words will ever be able to describe how much you are loved and missed………

Sadly this week, we have also seen the death of another Aboriginal teenager. A young boy. Dead at the hands of an adult white male murderer. This barely made the news. When it was reported on the media focused on the boys alleged criminal behaviour and not the fact that he was murdered!!  My heart is breaking….. Literally breaking…… If I think about it too much I cry….. And yet I can’t stop thinking about it………

And I can’t stay quiet anymore…… Despite my fear of upsetting those I love and hold dear, I need to speak up! In fact I need to shout out!! I was confused about whether I should, could or had a right to take a stand. Until recently, when, of all places to have an epiphany. I felt my blood boil, my brain overload and my heart nearly explode……As I burst in to tears in the middle of the Macklemore concert whilst he was singing White Privilige II…. And right then I realised…

 ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

With all the reading and research I’ve done, history has not been kind to our beautiful black brothers and sisters. In fact, historically, us whites, have been down right evil to those of colour.  Attempted genocide, slavery, segregation, oppression, kidnapping, rape, murder and constant racial profiling. 

And I’m ashamed and heartbroken to be a part of this privileged white middle class…. Class… Farce…. A bunch of people that are the main perpetrators of this evil ugly behaviour….Hiding behind the guise of…. but I’m not racist, yet we turn a blind eye…. Too scared to speak out… Fearful of the controversy and repercussions…… Yet in our silence we continue to watch beautiful black lives die……

🎼 We take all we want from black culture but will we show up for black lives?🎼 (Macklemore, White Privilege II)

I used to think saying #alllivesmatter was valid until I starting doing my research…..  

Reviewing journal articles and assignments from an elective University subject on Indigenous Studies that my husband and I took years ago so we could be more informed (because to this day not enough information is accurately covered in any high school curriculum about our nations beautiful black history. Indigenous history is barely mentioned in our schools despite our nations very long and brilliantly beautiful black history). Reading various media reports shared by my more informed peers. And mostly talking to my beautiful friends…… 

And one or two comments throughout these conversations really drove the message home…… Or more so punched me in the guts and left me with a terrifying sick sense of fear for my friends, fellow humans……Fear for them that to this day I can’t shake….. Comments like “I moved here (to Oz) because it’s more accepting, but I still fear for my brother, and think things like, please don’t let him get shot”…….. And it’s words like these that make me realise why I’ve been wrong….. Because I know these people personally, not just through a  t.v screen and they are beautiful…… And it’s terrifying……..And it’s black people dying…… For what?!….. Trivial things…… For nothing…… Murder for power….. Maybe out of frustration or fear…… But it’s still murder……Are we any better than the U.S?! Maybe, not by much…..

And now I know I was wrong……

Because saying that #alllivesmatter undermines the desperately important message that needs to be shouted out, understood and heard, for there to be justice and peace for these people. And an end once and for all to these senseless deaths………….. 💔

#BlackLivesMatter

#BlackLivesMatter

#BlackLivesMatter

#BlackLivesMatter
🎼 Your silence is a luxury, hip-hop is not a luxury , Your silence is a luxury, hip-hop is not a luxury, What I got for me, it is for me, What we made, we made to set us free 🎼

 (Jamila Wood, ftd in White Privilige II) 

#BlackLivesMatter

#BlackLivesMatter

#BlackLivesMatter


#BlackLivesMatter

#Onelove

#Onerace

#Peace

#MacklemoreSydney2016

#MacklemorewhitepriviligeII

Posted in Babies, Baby's, Birth, Family, Friends, Fun, Nursing, Parenting, Parenting Styles, Pregnancy, Relationships, Society, Toddlers, Uncategorized

Beautiful Chaotic Lunchdate 💗

Hello Beautiful People,
It’s been a couple of very busy weeks the last two weeks. And luckily, mostly fun outings, great company and beautiful weather. I was lucky enough to go in The Sydney Color Run with a small team of the beautiful Wonder Women that I know, I’ve been to bbqs, playgroups and Oztag.  However today I was lucky enough to be invited to a lunch/play date with some beautiful women that I know, Doctors and Nurses from my work, who are also new mums. 

I decided to go at the last minute as I knew I would be the only one there with a toddler and a baby. I still haven’t placed master two in any form of Childcare, for a few reasons. One, I haven’t liked any that I’ve seen so far. Two, I didn’t want to put him in care the minute his baby sister was born because I didn’t want him to feel like he was being palmed off because of the new baby. Three, I figured if I was going to be at home with bubba he may as well stay at home with us as well. Four, have you seen the cost of Childcare?! And Five, I’m just not sure I’m ready to let anyone else look after him….. That is until today’s lunch date…
Myself, master two and baby princess enjoyed a relaxed 40 minute drive to a lovely restaurant with an indoor children’s play land to meet our friends. Once there master two was his usual seriously hyped up overdrive excitable self. In other words he ran away from me the minute we got there! My friends of course were amazing and accomodating and looked after bubba on the several occasions I had to suddenly run off after speedy toddler. I barely got to sit down and chat or enjoy these beautiful women’s company or even really meet their babies! I spent the majority of my time with two year old in the indoor play land. I even finished feeding bubba in the play land so I could continue supervising toddler. There were a few moments when I felt like a few other parents may have thrown a sympathetic glance my way as it truly felt like I had the most energetic chaotic toddler in the whole place. 
I remarked to my friends that it was hard juggling both bubba and toddler, especially trying to meet both their needs. To this one of my beautiful friends said ‘of course and especially catering to a toddlers developmental needs at the same time as looking after a baby’…… Then minutes later another beautiful Mumma I didn’t know said to me in the play land, ‘two year olds are a lot of work aren’t they, especially when you can tell they are getting bored by their destructive behaviour’ she was looking at her own son when she said this….. But it made me wonder…….
At the end of lunch, the lunch I barely got to eat, chat or even sit down at, one beautiful friend gave each of us mums a homemade bib, they’re so beautiful. And another beautiful mum paid for our lunch and we said our goodbyes. I felt so spoilt.

Both baby and toddler left the restaurant easily enough and were asleep within five minutes of being in the car. Whilst driving home I got a bit emotional thinking about how my boy is probably a little bored and ready for some stimulating Childcare and I probably really deserve to have a nice non chaotic Lunchdate occasionally! But mostly I’m just always in awe about how blessed I am in my life to have such beautiful children, despite the chaos, and to know such beautiful people as these women. Even new mums can give me sound advice to remind me about my choices in life. It’s so brilliant to be blessed with this beautiful chaotic life. So I shall continue my Childcare quest with a renewed sense of optimism. Thank you beautiful mummas for your genuine kindness 😊💖 

Posted in Uncategorized

Beautiful Day Missing Work 

Hello beautiful people, today I really miss work….. I miss the abusive ice addicts, the elderly confused patients, the complicated early pregnancy patients, the trauma patients (I really miss them!) and I miss using my brain more than it takes to negotiate kiddies behaviours…. I’ve got so much to do but so little desire to do any of it! The house can stay messy, the kids can play half dressed in the backyard, the food shopping can wait, and the dog can wait another week to be washed…. I have zero fucks to give today about domestic life….. I really miss work….. However I know better than most how fast time goes so I’ll just sit here in the beautiful Sydney winter sun sulking about how I can’t have the best of both worlds yet and enjoy the privilege of being able to stay at home with my babies for as long as I like……

#imisswork #emergencynurse #mylove #mylife #myeverything #nurselife #shiftworklife #sydneylocal #sydneywinter #sydneylife #savinglives #maternityleave #overthinking #needtorelax #mummabear #zerofucksgiven #nooshasbeautifulpeople #likeaboss 😏☺️👊🏼💞

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Beautiful Babies at Playgroup 

Hello beautiful people, Happy Monday! I’ve finally found a local playgroup that I really really like! So I wrangled master two and bubba princess in to top gear and left the house this morning by 9:30am We got to this lovely playgroup and within minutes my warrior prince had already tipped out a full box of building blocks, container of pencils, had drawn on himself with texta and went on a nature hunt with a magnifying glass whilst all the other kiddies sat on the mat for story time…… This is what my maternity leave looks like…..😝 He cannot be tamed, which is why I don’t send him to daycare, I’m scared they won’t have the patience for him that I do 😬😊😍
Master two did however manage to sit still for long enough to enjoy some excellent play dough time! Great for his fine motor skills 😊 And a five minute break for this Mumma bear having to chase after him! 😬
And whilst her big brother played with the play dough the little poppet tried to eat it.. Parenting for the win….. 😬😊☺️😉💖 

#playdough #mylove #mylife #myeverything #sydneylocal #sydneylife #australianlife #myprincess👑 #nooshasbeautifulpeople #warriorprince #sydneywinter #australianlife #australianwinter #emergencynurse #shiftworker #mumlife #myprince👑❤️👊🏼