Hello beautiful people,
I choose to celebrate the beautiful moments of my life both big and small. The births of my children. Basking in sunshine. Swimming in the ocean. Reading. Writing. Living. Breathing.
Especially after all the challenges in life I’ve had to overcome from an early age. I’ve chosen to always try and look on the bright side and be grateful for this beautiful life.
However always nipping at my heels and rearing up it’s ugly head every chance it can get to ruin my happiness is that damn judgement beast……
Recently I got called out for being judgemental…… In that moment those words slayed me because heres the kicker….. My WHOLE life I have been CONSTANTLY judged. So I’ve always endeavoured to try and show empathy and understanding to everybody because of my own pain and hurt around being judged…….
When I was a child I was judged for, being too quiet, so I became louder, more confident, then I got judged for being too loud. I was told I was too poor. Too fat. Too skinny. Too much of a tomboy. Too much of a slut. Too sensitive. Too Bogan. Too uneducated. Too fat again. Too skinny again. Too friendly. Too assertive. Too opinionated. Too young to have a baby. Too old to have a baby. Too poor again. Too loud again. Too sensitive again. Not career focused enough. Too attached to my kids. Care too much about what others think. Don’t care enough about what others think. Show too much of my body insecurities to my kids. Set a bad example about body image to my kids. Don’t lead by example enough. Too lazy. Talk too much. Too unfocused. Too hippyish. Too loud. Too arrogant. Too confident?! Too insecure?! Too short. Too many tattoos and again too fat (And that comment was actually precipitated by what a shame really because she’s got a pretty face….) Boobs too big. Arse too big. Thighs too big. Too fat. Squinty eyes. Hair too short. (Funnily enough noone has ever told me my hair is too long when I’ve grown it out) I used to love my hair really short when I was young and fit until I got so many negative judgemental comments about it, so now I despise it short and feel dreadfully insecure when it is. Ive been judged for Breastfeeding too much. Setting a rod for my back by co-sleeping. Being too needy. Trying too hard to get people to like me. Not trying hard enough to maintain friendships. Don’t drink enough. Drink too much. Talk to the wrong people. Don’t talk to the right people. Haven’t travelled enough. Have too many children. Think I know better about everything than others and holy shit the list goes on and on and on and on and on……….
And you know the saddest part about all of these judgements CONSTANTLY hurled at me causing me pain….. The majority of the time the judgement beast came in the form of a fellow female…. Throughout my life I’ve been on a constant quest to find my tribe. To find fellow like minded sisters who want to share life experiences. Families. Friendships. And live in peace. Uplifting, giving strength to and supporting each other. And yet time and again all I’ve discovered is women competing, judging and tearing each other down….. Life is hard enough without the unity of sisterhood….. It’s already us against them…… Why does it have to be us against ourselves as well…
All these experiences of being constantly hounded by the judgement beast have left me feeling depleted. Broken. Empty. Defeated.
I’ve tried so hard to offer supportive, constructive advice when I thought it was being sought out but now I realise I was just being perceived as judgey…..
I thought it was ok to feel confident and happy in being alive and mildly successful in my parenting. I thought it was ok to feel proud of my children and my family (despite the many many struggles and challenges we go through out of the public eye that no-one else needs to see) but apparently feeling pride in my family achievements makes me come across as cocky. As though I think my family are perfect and better than everyone else’s….. This last one is a gut puncher for me because my whole life I’ve fought to feel worthy of love and respect and so despite whether I come across as cocky, judgey or arrogant, I will NEVER apologise for openly instilling pride, love and self worth in my children!
My children and being a mother, a role I actually never envisaged for myself as a young person but that fate bestowed on me and found me surprisingly grateful for and good at, are the main things in life I’m proud of.
I will ALWAYS endeavour to protect, uplift, encourage, love and support my children unconditionally! Partly because of the painful lifetime of judgement I have received and partly because the judgement beast will ALWAYS exist! And if I can protect them from it just a little bit or be a buffer from it so they don’t lose their true self worth like I have. I know I will be a better mother, a better human for doing it for them.
I’m already worn down by the beast in my own soul. But I will NEVER stop trying to be the protector of theirs.
I may never try to have mum friends or any so called friends again. I may always find the comfort and space of my own company and four walls my sanctuary. I’ll no longer cling to the idea of community or tribe because in this life it seems it’s every person for themselves. I’m at a transitional phase, as is the universal energy I suspect, where I know I need to make big changes. Health. Career. Mindset. People. Place……
But for now I’ll just sit and hold quiet space. Hoping the universe will show me my place without judgement and with grace.
Judgement is what it is, an individual’s interpretation or opinion on actions or words of another or situation.
Therefore it may just be a difference of opinion on how people see or handle the same situation or it could be as most of the above examples are just blatant insults or bullying.
So just know this, that if you thought I was judging you then your thoughts were misplaced.
I wish nothing but the best for everyone. Including those who I perceived in the past have done me huge wrongs.
I just want to live the rest of this beautiful life in peace. Without the constant heartache of being hounded by the judgement beast.
Peace x 💖