Beautiful Sadness

Hello Beautiful People,

Today is R U OK day…..

I know I’ve written before about being a beautiful faker at life but I thought I’d bring it up again in light of it being R U OK day.

See the fact is, I’m actually not ok……

It seems it’s really really hard for people to understand that, because (apparently) I’m the strong one.

The one that can handle anything.

The one that’s always, laughing, smiling, loving and helping others.
Those that know the full dynamics of my family and history know how strong I can and have needed to be.

Unfortunately, even the strong ones can come undone. Especially when life is being exceedingly stressful, so I’ve discovered recently.

In the last two years I’ve had a very traumatic emergency c-Section. Which took nearly six months to recover from physically. And I’m still trying to recover from it emotionally. The result of which is a beautiful yet highly rambunctious, energetic little being.

A very quick subsequent difficult pregnancy. The result of which is a beautiful baby girl with severe reflux and colic that never ever sleeps.

At the end of my last pregnancy my eldest son was hospitalised and very sick for a couple of months.

Then the next boy down required emergency surgery the following month.

And then the following month the next boy down got a late diagnosis of ASD, after years of me asking for an assessment for him.

And history repeatedly haunts me at stressful times…….

I’m exhausted, depleted, drowning, burnt out……Burning…….

I’ve doubled my weight…..

Doubled my wrinkles……

I don’t even recognise me when I look in the mirror……

It’s actually really depressing……..

And I’ve lost nearly all my friends…..

I’m not sure why this last one has happened but I’m assuming that it’s because I’m no longer fun to be around….

I’m still surrounded by people though (all my kids of course) and yet most of the time I feel a slight lingering sense of loneliness….

When anyone asks me if I’m ok I actually say “no, I’m drowning”…..

People then look at me confused, surprised even……

Most people reply with “oh you poor thing that’s what happens when you have so many kids”, “you’ll be ok when you get more sleep”, “what you need is….Childcare….. a night out….. a cleaner…. a good nights sleep…..”

And the ‘helpful’ advice goes on and on…

I told my GP I was feeling overwhelmed and sad, so she gave me a script for antidepressants…….. I don’t take paracetamol at the best of times……

She told me “there’s no point in referring you to a councillor, I know you’re too time poor to go”…..

I’ve told my nearest and dearest family and friends and they say the same ‘helpful’ statements as above…….

So asking someone if they are okay, seems very multilayered to me. You need to really mean it. Actively listen to the persons answer. And then respond carefully, thoughtfully and appropriately.

I know I will be okay because I AM ‘the strong one’, infact I am one of the strongest people I know……

And I’ve been here before…….

And right now I’m still in the midst of the fire……Burning a little more before the Phoenix is born…….

I cry at ads, movies, pretty much anything. I yell at nothing….. My hubby and eldest are concerned (but somewhat annoyed too, inconvenienced I guess by my lack of happiness). My younger ones are somewhat hyper vigilant but still mostly (age appropriately) self obsessed…….

So if I seem distant, disinterested, different…… Just be kind, please…..I don’t do sarcasm, criticism or ‘useful’ words well these days……

And yes I have guilt about feeling overwhelmed and sad…….

I know there are so so many people out there worse off than me………

And I’m still so grateful for this beautiful life….. And my beautiful babies…… But I’m still allowed to feel……….

And besides, any emotion I’m experiencing reminds me I’m alive…….

So I’ll sit here for a while longer in the warm heat of this beautiful sadness…..

So I’ll just continue to breath…..

So I’ll just continue to try to eat healthy…

So I’ll just continue to try to get fit……

So I’ll just continue to try to get more sleep…

So I’ll just continue to pretend to be happy …….

Because I believe if you fake it you make it…..