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Beautiful #sayhername

Hello beautiful people,

Its been a long time between posts, as is usual for me…..

I haven’t been less passionate about the things I’m fiercely passionate about however I have been spending a lot of time thinking about ways to express myself on certain issues that get me fired up without coming across as angry all the time….. .

But alas here we are again…. Im fucking angry….. And heartbroken…… And ashamed…..

Whilst I’ve always been a feminist and advocated for equality for women and for an immediate end to the senseless deaths of women at the hands of men, usually someone they know, week after week, this week I’ve been forced to self reflect again like I have in the past. Am I being authentic in my proclomations of being inclusive and not racist…… In my little white privileged middle class life how many women of colour have I openly showed up for?……..

Im so fucking angry and sad with myself right now because in all my years of trying to be an activist and advocate for ending violence against women, I can only think of one woman of colour who I’ve openly discussed my heartbreak over her death…. Was this because I knew her personally?….

Over the last three days two teenage girls have been murdered.

One in Melbourne and one in California.

One was of Sudanese decent, the other was African American……

When a white woman is randomly murdered in a public place and sometimes even in their own homes every single form of media is reporting on it. Especially if its an attractive middle upper class white woman……

Is this why I haven’t been a better advocate for women of colour because I was blind, unaware of these deaths, uneducated to this problem because they arent being reported about?…..

Or am I just being a douche bag making excuses for my shityy self because acknowledging that there is truth in the possibility that I subconsciously knew this was happening and did nothing about it makes me a fucking racist…. Which makes me pissed at myself….

Ive always tried to be an active ally. But obviously only when it suited me or I was comfortable with it…. BUT I SAY FUCK THAT!! My comfort does not matter when people are being murdered and no one’s showing up for them!!

Black lives matter!

Womens lives matter!

Women of colour lives matter!

But am I doing enough?! Am I speaking up enough?! Sadly I don’t think so….

How is this still happening in this time and place?!…. How is there still space for such an insidious evil as racism in our beautiful global community?!…..

And then I remember that I’m part of the problem too, for all minority groups I say I’m an ally to….

Because I sit here day after day in my white middle class ivory tower complaining about white middle class privileged things, like why don’t I have enough money to renovate, or get cosmetic surgery, or a house cleaner or a nanny……

And even though I harbor similar fears as other women about my personal safety and the possibility of being raped and murdered by a man…

There are layers and depths of hatred that those WOC and other minority groups experience being spewed at them that I will never have to painfully endure and that until recently I barely thought about or even consciously knew existed….

And I dont want to cry my white woman tears all over a racially charged issue but fuck Im disappointed in myself….

Because if you’re not aware, educated, enlightened, creating awareness, creating discussions and supporting change, then you’re doing nothing!

And doing nothing is basically upholding the shitty system thats currently in place!!

The system where WOC are being murdered and NOT even being reported on and in some countries these women are NOT even counted in the death statistics…. Basically as if they never existed, except to their families…. Who often fight for justice for them but NEVER get it!!

These two beautiful teenage girls were daughters, granddaughters, neices, sisters, friends….

They had families and friends that loved them. They were strong, smart, kind, intelligent young women!!

They had their whole future’s ahead of them!!

And now they’re dead…

Because some evil self entitled males decided they had the right and the power to violently end a young girls life……

These senseless deaths need to STOP!!


EVERYONE needs to speak out against this violence!! Especially men!

All women murdered deserve to be recognized, deserve justice, deserve to be remembered…….

I know I never knew any of you personally that were taken too soon And I’m sorry Im not sure what else I can do but Im still learning so that I can be an active participant in change!

So that none of your deaths will be in vain….

As part of your global community, my tears are real, as I feel your family’s pain…..

Im still not sure yet what else I can do to effect change,

I’m sorry you were let down,

I’m sorry I haven’t done more,

For now as a start, to honor you, I will keep speaking your name……






#timeforchange ❤

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Beautiful life and the judgement beast.

Hello beautiful people,

I choose to celebrate the beautiful moments of my life both big and small. The births of my children. Basking in sunshine. Swimming in the ocean. Reading. Writing. Living. Breathing.

Especially after all the challenges in life I’ve had to overcome from an early age. I’ve chosen to always try and look on the bright side and be grateful for this beautiful life.

However always nipping at my heels and rearing up it’s ugly head every chance it can get to ruin my happiness is that damn judgement beast……

Recently I got called out for being judgemental…… In that moment those words slayed me because heres the kicker….. My WHOLE life I have been CONSTANTLY judged. So I’ve always endeavoured to try and show empathy and understanding to everybody because of my own pain and hurt around being judged…….

When I was a child I was judged for, being too quiet, so I became louder, more confident, then I got judged for being too loud. I was told I was too poor. Too fat. Too skinny. Too much of a tomboy. Too much of a slut. Too sensitive. Too Bogan. Too uneducated. Too fat again. Too skinny again. Too friendly. Too assertive. Too opinionated. Too young to have a baby. Too old to have a baby. Too poor again. Too loud again. Too sensitive again. Not career focused enough. Too attached to my kids. Care too much about what others think. Don’t care enough about what others think. Show too much of my body insecurities to my kids. Set a bad example about body image to my kids. Don’t lead by example enough. Too lazy. Talk too much. Too unfocused. Too hippyish. Too loud. Too arrogant. Too confident?! Too insecure?! Too short. Too many tattoos and again too fat (And that comment was actually precipitated by what a shame really because she’s got a pretty face….) Boobs too big. Arse too big. Thighs too big. Too fat. Squinty eyes. Hair too short. (Funnily enough noone has ever told me my hair is too long when I’ve grown it out) I used to love my hair really short when I was young and fit until I got so many negative judgemental comments about it, so now I despise it short and feel dreadfully insecure when it is. Ive been judged for Breastfeeding too much. Setting a rod for my back by co-sleeping. Being too needy. Trying too hard to get people to like me. Not trying hard enough to maintain friendships. Don’t drink enough. Drink too much. Talk to the wrong people. Don’t talk to the right people. Haven’t travelled enough. Have too many children. Think I know better about everything than others and holy shit the list goes on and on and on and on and on……….

And you know the saddest part about all of these judgements CONSTANTLY hurled at me causing me pain….. The majority of the time the judgement beast came in the form of a fellow female…. Throughout my life I’ve been on a constant quest to find my tribe. To find fellow like minded sisters who want to share life experiences. Families. Friendships. And live in peace. Uplifting, giving strength to and supporting each other. And yet time and again all I’ve discovered is women competing, judging and tearing each other down….. Life is hard enough without the unity of sisterhood….. It’s already us against them…… Why does it have to be us against ourselves as well…

All these experiences of being constantly hounded by the judgement beast have left me feeling depleted. Broken. Empty. Defeated.

I’ve tried so hard to offer supportive, constructive advice when I thought it was being sought out but now I realise I was just being perceived as judgey…..

I thought it was ok to feel confident and happy in being alive and mildly successful in my parenting. I thought it was ok to feel proud of my children and my family (despite the many many struggles and challenges we go through out of the public eye that no-one else needs to see) but apparently feeling pride in my family achievements makes me come across as cocky. As though I think my family are perfect and better than everyone else’s….. This last one is a gut puncher for me because my whole life I’ve fought to feel worthy of love and respect and so despite whether I come across as cocky, judgey or arrogant, I will NEVER apologise for openly instilling pride, love and self worth in my children!

My children and being a mother, a role I actually never envisaged for myself as a young person but that fate bestowed on me and found me surprisingly grateful for and good at, are the main things in life I’m proud of.

I will ALWAYS endeavour to protect, uplift, encourage, love and support my children unconditionally! Partly because of the painful lifetime of judgement I have received and partly because the judgement beast will ALWAYS exist! And if I can protect them from it just a little bit or be a buffer from it so they don’t lose their true self worth like I have. I know I will be a better mother, a better human for doing it for them.

I’m already worn down by the beast in my own soul. But I will NEVER stop trying to be the protector of theirs.

I may never try to have mum friends or any so called friends again. I may always find the comfort and space of my own company and four walls my sanctuary. I’ll no longer cling to the idea of community or tribe because in this life it seems it’s every person for themselves. I’m at a transitional phase, as is the universal energy I suspect, where I know I need to make big changes. Health. Career. Mindset. People. Place……

But for now I’ll just sit and hold quiet space. Hoping the universe will show me my place without judgement and with grace.

Judgement is what it is, an individual’s interpretation or opinion on actions or words of another or situation.

Therefore it may just be a difference of opinion on how people see or handle the same situation or it could be as most of the above examples are just blatant insults or bullying.

So just know this, that if you thought I was judging you then your thoughts were misplaced.

I wish nothing but the best for everyone. Including those who I perceived in the past have done me huge wrongs.

I just want to live the rest of this beautiful life in peace. Without the constant heartache of being hounded by the judgement beast.

Peace x 💖

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Beautiful Fragile Life ❤️

Hello beautiful people,
It’s been a long week. One with many highs and lows. I’ve heard people complain about trivial little things. Including myself, griping about small ills that vex me. While others are suffering massive amounts of heartbreak in relative silence. Again through work and also personally through people I care about and admire, I’ve seen the sudden soul saddening, heart wrenching fragility of life rear it’s ugly head unexpectedly………. Leaving some so vulnerable by the complete void that now exists from those that left everyone else behind…….. Life can be really hard….. It can be harder for some than others… Everyone has different levels of coping mechanisms and some cope way better than others through adversity……. I’ve seen and heard about a lot of people passing recently…… This saddens me so deeply often washing over me in waves….. And yet at the same time it continuously reminds me to be grateful for each and every breath I take…. Every sweet sweet second longer that I get to be alive and live and experience every single moment and emotion and highlight or lowlight of this life is truly truly a blessing……. Take a second every day to remind yourself and those that you love how blessed you are to be having this life….. Times will be hard, there will be loss and pain…… But you will never get this moment or this lifetime again…….. Stay strong, reach out, love hard, laugh and most of all if not for yourself but for those that truly love and adore you…….. JUST LIVE 😌❤️
#justlive #suicideawareness 



#lookforthepositives 💚

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Beautiful Home Hair Cut ❤️

Hello beautiful people!
Happy Weekend!! 

It’s been, as usual a couple of really ridiculously busy weeks. We’ve had a three yr old start preschool in the last two months who suddenly decided in the last two weeks he hated it and cried every single day not to go, coupled with toilet training regression….. So me being me I immediately rang the preschool and told them he won’t be coming back….. besides he may as well stay at home with me and his little sister if we’re going to be home anyway….(yet again another delay in me increasing my hours at work!). I’ve got a one and a half year old with separation anxiety who still breastfeeds 2-3 hourly during the day and ALL night on the boob! I even have to pee with her on my lap otherwise it’s like the end of the world if I put her down 😭It’s been challenging times motivating the teenagers to get off to school because it’s the last term of the year and they’ve all pretty much reached their peak level of interest in their schooling for the year….. I’ve been advising and reassuring my young adult (quiet over achiever) that she is amazing and exactly where she should be in life and to stop stressing about not being further ahead in her career!! Because let’s face it half of the population of the world don’t even know what they want to do or be at her age! Rountine shifts in ED nursing! And maintaining a healthy, happy relationship with the hubby/bestie!! And dealing with a bit of anxiety and unexpectedly revisiting old traumas…. And all this has been exhausting and only just the surface of what’s been going on… so I had a Britney moment and lucky I didn’t have time to grab our clippers so I only grabbed a pair of scissors, because I was feeling hot and frustrated and my wildly dry, fluffy, long, curly hair was driving me crazy.. so off it went ✂️I don’t love me with short hair because I’m self conscious about my ‘chubby’ face but geez I feel lighter, cooler and fresher with it short 😊 And it’s only hair, it’ll grow back! 

Everyone is dealing with challenges and demons, so many you can’t see! 

Please, please, beautiful people keep on keeping on! 

Be strong! 

Make yourself number one! 

Self love is paramount! Peace ❤️



I love this quote below and find it helpful to recite to myself when I’m feeling overwhelmed, insecure or just generally low. Have a go, try to replace negative self talk with positive affirmations. Healthy mind, happy heart ❤️ 

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Beautiful Foster Parents ❤️

Hello beautiful people, 

When I was five years old I started kindergarten at Bondi Public School. I made a few good friends straight away and one of them was a boy who lived close to the school with his mum and dad. They were beautiful people kind, caring, compassionate, larger than life types of people. My mum was a single parent at the time and worked long hours so she would often need some help looking after me. My mates parents stepped up and were more than happy to let me go to their house after school or stay over on weekends. I loved going there. They were like foster parents to me. They treated me like their daughter and I always felt safe, loved and welcome there. When I started high school, another friend of mine was experiencing family breakdown and my mate and I asked his parents if they could foster our other friend too. Our friend really needed a family to take her in otherwise she was looking at going in to a refuge or foster care with strangers. These beautiful people stepped up and underwent the training and assessment required to become official foster parents and took in our friend as their own. I slowly started spending less and less time with them in my mid to late teens as I began to try and navigate the world around me a little more by myself but they stayed in my life and heart always.  I had formed such a bond with them as a small child that in my mind and heart they represented to me what an example of a loving married couple and good parents should look like. I was told that my mates dad, this beautiful big hearted man who I had known as one of the very few positive male role models in my life was terminally ill when I was in my late teens. I was completely heartbroken. I hadn’t really ever lost anyone I had loved so much before. I was scared and so sad at the same time to say goodbye to him but I did. I’m glad I did and I’m glad he got to meet my daughter before he left us. In my foster mum’s grief she experienced terrible anxiety and depression. She never remarried and talked of her loneliness and love for her departed husband always. These two beautiful people believed they were soul mates. Together they had loved and looked after so many people. My foster mother tried to continue to look after people but she struggled a lot on her own. We lost touch for a while in my twenties but when we reconnected it was like we had never been apart and our bond only grew as we let each other more and more in to our current lives and shared more of our pasts. This woman and her beautiful late husband inspired me to be the caring, compassionate, unconditionally loving parent I am today. They taught me that family is what you make it. They taught me to love unconditionally. They taught me to love myself. They weren’t perfect, they had their flaws but they loved each other and their families, warts and all. This beautiful woman, my foster mum, lived for over twenty years without her soul mate. Until this year, when she too got diagnosed with a terminal illness. It’s been three months nearly to the day that she passed away……. My life was so truly blessed to have her in it and my heart is still broken and now that she’s gone I don’t know if my life will ever be the same. I made sure I told her every second I could of every minute of her last days with us of how much of a positive influence she had on my life. How lucky are children like me and my friends that beautiful parents like these existed 😔❤️

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Beautiful Maternal Mental Health ❤️

Hello Beautiful People,

This week on May the 3rd it was International Maternal Mental Health Day. Also around the globe May 1st-7th is recognised as Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week. This is a fairly new awareness program set up in the last few years to recognise and put in place much needed supports for women and their families.
Maternal Mental Health is a topic very close to my heart, for several reasons. So I value this week and the awareness and support it’s raising very much.
Maternal Mental Health (MMH) addresses women and their mental health throughout the perinatal period. That is the time from which they get pregnant, give birth and up until the baby is a year or so old. 

The reasons I feel so strongly about raising awareness and promoting support around perinatal mental health are motivated by personal experiences. 

I have been through the perinatal period quite a few times in my life and sometimes it’s not been smooth sailing.

I’ve witnessed close family members struggle alone and suffer tremendously throughout the perinatal period.

I’ve supported friends who’ve felt like they were drowning throughout their perinatal  period……

I’m currently still just in the perinatal period….

Am I ok? Maybe……

The few heartbreaking things that myself, my family member and my friends all said we experienced throughout our perinatal period that we didn’t expect were:

• feelings of being overwhelmed with pregnancy; body changes; fear of baby not growing healthily; fear of no longer being attractive to partner; fear of birth; fear of birth complications; fear of not being heard by care providers; fear of not being able to breastfeed; fear of not bonding with baby; fear of not waking to baby; fear of not feeding baby enough; fear of not being able to settle baby; fear of not knowing why baby is crying; fear of baby crying because something serious is wrong; fear of something bad happening to baby; fear of body not going back to pre-baby state; fear of no time for partner; fear of no time for other children; fear of no time for self; feeling isolated; feeling overwhelmed; feeling exhausted; feeling unsupported; feeling unprepared; feeling pressure to be the perfect mum; feeling unhappy with self; feeling like a failure….. and sadly the list goes on…… All these fears experienced and shared by a group of wonderful, intelligent otherwise incredibly healthy women throughout their perinatal period… And all of them treated in completely different ways by their care providers.

Yes we all got asked the routine antenatal questions and only two out of five of us got flagged and followed up…. There are so many potential triggers for perinatal depression and anxiety coupled with massive hormone changes, it’s so hard to know who will be ok and who won’t. I was not one of the ones to be followed up despite knowing I met a lot of the criteria for high risk post natal depression….. I did however seek support on my own from my GP and Karitane a good six months after my last baby was born because after the adrenaline of running on no sleep at all for the first six months of my baby’s life wore off I realised how anxious I was and that I needed support. One friend was immediately commenced on antidepressants by her doctor because her anxiety was all time consuming and she was already exhibiting signs of depression. She said she felt like a new woman and immediately bonded with her baby and could finally function without her fears controlling her. I didn’t feel I needed medication and utilised other methods to help with my anxiety. My family member who also met the criteria for high risk for post natal depression due to a previous mental health history, history of domestic violence and being a single mother was not so lucky with her support network. She fell through the cracks so to speak and although she was already on low dose antidepressants she was alone, exhausted, completely drowning in her fears and level of responsibility as a new and single mother. She suffered from a severe postpartum psychosis and her baby was removed from her care, permanently…… But that is her story to tell completely…. All I can say to that is that as a witness to her experience and whilst going through the perinatal period myself at the same time as her, my heart completely and utterly broke for her….. And I questioned why her and not me and years and pregnancies later I still remain hyper vigilant around my mental health throughout the perinatal period.

And it’s because of all these beautiful women with all their varied experiences and yet similar feelings and thoughts around the time of their pregnancies, births and new babies, that I think this week, Maternal Mental Health Week is so important! It needs to be recognised as a topic that needs to be discussed openly so that assessments are done routinely and universally. So that support networks and programs are implemented properly and in a timely manner. So that women can avoid getting acutely unwell. So that families can feel supported and stay together! 

As for me…. despite writing a post over six months ago around R U OK day and saying I was not ok, I think it’s time to say…. I’m doing ok…. Slowly….

I’m still mildly suffering from anxiety and severe fatigue but I’m happy. 

I have a great support network and I know that’s what gets me through. Also my baby is one now and although I’ve only ever felt this anxious once before with all my perinatal periods I’m glad that I know it won’t last, like it didn’t before. I don’t let the small stuff consume me. The house can stay messy (despite my cleaning OCD). We can have take away a few times a week if Hubby and I are too exhausted to cook. All my children are healthy and loved. I practice mindfulness. I have a psychologist. I vent to my hubby and eldest daughter/bestie. I walk. I write. I read. I sing. All things I do for me to ensure relaxation and peace. And slowly but surely everyday gets the teeny tiniest bit easier…… 😌❤️ 

To all those beautiful women out there struggling alone in silence with your overwhelming thoughts, whether you’re a first time mum or a millionth time mummy like me, please, speak up, speak out, talk to absolutely anybody you feel comfortable talking to! Sometimes getting those thoughts out of your head is the first steps to feeling better! 

And know this! 

You are not alone!

I am right here with you!

You are a wonderful mummy!

You are amazing!

You’re doing great!

You’re a beautiful human!

And your baby loves and needs you ❤️
(If you need to talk to someone or are concerned about someone please contact one of the links below)

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Beautiful Perfect Age Gap ❤️ 

Hello Beautiful People,
The mummy fatigue is still at its peak. I’ve conversed with my husband a lot about this fatigue lately, for a few reasons. Yes we are raising six children so everyone expects us to be exhausted. However, we’ve come to the conclusion that these two beautiful last baby’s that we have been blessed with are the absolute reasons for our complete and utter parental exhaustion! Poor sweet little babes are being blamed for our feelings of downfall as super hero parents that have finally crashed and burned…….
The reality is, it’s not actually the babies faults. There are many factors at play here that have finally tipped us over our limit of being able to bear with the perpetual tiredness to nearly crying from the brain fog of pure exhaustion! 

These factors are:

 We may actually suddenly have one…. or two, too many children…..  (I’m kidding 😬)

Our ages….. ughhh as much as I hate to admit it,  yes it’s true we are much older this time (and more unfit) and we tire much easier than we did with our older children. 

The temperament of our two littlest ones. These two are beautifully rowdy. Perhaps it’s because they are aware that they are in a large family and feel they need to compete for attention. Or maybe it’s just their personalities but these two little ones are noisier, more energetic, inquisitive, demanding and sleep way less than any of their older siblings. 

They are also very close in age. They were born nineteen months apart. We’ve never had such a close age gap before with our older children. In fact we’ve had some small age gaps but we’ve also had some really large age gaps. Our oldest daughter is seven years older than our next son. Then the three middle boys are fairly close in age with a three year gap being our favourite gap so far. We then had a ten year gap between the middle boys and our last two little ones….. Who are the lovely little high energy babes that are nineteen months apart.

I’ve recently met a few lovely mums at my local playgroup who are new mums and they ask me what age gap I recommend as the most ideal one to have a second baby……

When I’m truly exhausted I jokingly say never….. However I tell them that every family is different and has different experiences so may suggest different things. But for us having these last two babies close together has,  at times been akin to a living nightmare….. 

It all starts off so lovely and exciting bringing home the new sibling for the new toddler…. Then within months the reality sets in…. Endless mountains of washing, some little human nearly always crying because of hunger, tiredness, dirty nappy, double teething, sibling jealousy…. this list is not exhaustive, but I am….. 

The sibling rivalry once the baby starts moving, the tandem crying at night from night terrors, molars, hungry baby, new teeth, why does baby get to be held all night and not me…… So many challenges at once…. and don’t even get me started on trying to toilet train a toddler with an inquisitive baby crawling towards a potty full of fresh poo……. Or when they both become really mobile and older child is a runner and an escape artist and takes off in the opposite direction to the one you’re going in with his newly walking baby sister…. So you scoop her up fast, so now she’s crying because her walking accomplishment wasn’t well enough recognised because you need to chase big brother before he reaches the road…… I don’t care how judgemental people are if you’ve got a close age gap and very energetic, active, independent little ones that like to walk/run everywhere, do yourself a favour and carry baby (baby wearing) or use a pram and most definitely get one of those delightful (lifesaving) back pack/ leash strap devices! Better to take some criticism than have a disarstorus accident. Believe me I’ve nearly fallen to my knees crying for someone to chase my son and catch him before he reaches the road because I’m struggling to run after him carrying the baby… We aren’t given any books or manuals on how to deal with the reality of the everyday struggles that come with having two babies close together. 

I was talking to another mum friend/colleague who has the same age gap with her babies. We were commiserating with each other about how hard it is to do even the simplest things, like going to the toilet…. You have to take the two of them with you otherwise you’ll come back and find the baby has been buried under a pile of unfolded clean washing by the older child, who has now climbed up on the back of the lounge wearing a cap mimicking his favourite Paw Patrol character….. Long gone are the days I could do a wee in peace… And yes I’ve had years of having to take a baby in to the bathroom with me but these two just seem to egg each other on to do the cheekiest things they can to push my buttons! 

For me and my family, I honestly feel like the three year age gap and above is the winner! Reasons being for this are obvious, you’re usually only breastfeeding one at a time then, there’s only going to be one in nappies, hopefully there’s only going to be one having night wakings, the older child is easier to talk to, rationalise and negotiate with and they are usually more helpful, more understanding and less jealous of their new little sibling. 

On the flip side of this argument I’ve heard people in favour of a close age gap say “yes but I like that they will grow up close to each other and that it’s a few hard years but then all sleepless nights and nappies are over and done with at once”…. To that I say “hey that’s great for you….. but to hell with a few rough years I’d rather a nice age gap and a few smooth years that don’t make me look and feel like I’ve aged a decade in a year and a half”!…..

I met another lovely mum at playgroup today. I remarked how sweet her daughters were and inquired about their ages. She told me they were eighteen months apart…… And asked about the ages of my two…. I replied nineteen months apart…… We looked at each other with that defeated smile and gave each other that empathetic nod….. “It’s hard isn’t it”? She almost half whispered….. “It sure is” I barely choked out as we both quickly broke our visual exchange perhaps for fear that one of us would drop our guard and burst in to tears  of exhaustion…..  After a pause I felt it necessary to say “hey how good are we as mums and how wonderful despite the difficulties are our babies, I love them so much, I truly wouldn’t have it any other way”!…… Suddenly her exhausted face broke in to a beaming smile and she replied with absolute love and certainty “same, its a beautiful perfect age gap really, isn’t it”?! ❤️