Hello beautiful people,
Well its been a long time between sharing and caring really, so where to start……… Lets see my last Blog was about a sea change and a whole lot of whining about waking up feeling flat and cranky for no obvious reason other than some petty challenges in life such as money and accommodation………or so it seemed…….. The last four months that I haven’t shared have seen me through some even more challenging times causing me to embark on a whole new level of self-reflection…….remember that notion, self-reflection, something I harped on about the importance of in a previous post, well I digress so back on track, the last few months have seen me deal with challenges such as having to go part-time at work due to family commitments (enhancing previous financial problems), daughter experiencing some challenges with uni work, sister tackling life changes, beautiful mother confronting and challenging the big ‘C’ and small boys dealing with learning difficulties…….Now I’m no super woman but am relieved to say that these challenges were tackled courageously, albeit with some tears, plans have been implemented and things are moving forward in positive ways. All these challenges got me thinking, how is it that when life was plodding along without any drama for me to deal with I was feeling more anxious and flat than I should have been, particularly in regards to where we were living? Yes the house was tiny and the kiddies had no backyard to play in and all the boys were sharing a room, however these things certainly weren’t enough reason for me to be having mini panic attacks every time I had to go home……….
On top of all these recent challenges I was lucky (truly, truly lucky) enough to secure the lease on a bigger house right across the road from the property we were last living in. I saw the house become vacant, applied for it and within a week had signed the lease and moved seven years worth of an entire families lives across the road into a gorgeous hundred year old cottage, at least twice the size of our previous house!!!! The first night sleeping in the new house I felt an instant sense of peace and happiness, calmness. I kept thinking how lucky and blessed we are to have such an amazing house and how happy the space made me feel………. I quickly realised it wasn’t the ‘space’ (size) that made me feel happy it was ‘the’ space, the nature or the essence of the space, it encompassed calmness and happiness and positive energy.
*Insert flashback here* Why did my old house not feel like this? Why did it promote feelings of anxiety? Had I always felt like that about my old house, how long had I been having those feelings?
Its April 24th 2011 and I’m in my dining room with two of my best mates, Stu is at work and the kids are asleep….. We’re laughing, talking and playing a trivia game, the three of us are relaxed and having a cool time……. My mate stands up says she’s not feeling well, me and her boyfriend look at her concerned and say what’s wrong? She drops……she’s not breathing……no pulse……I look at him panicked, he doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s frozen…….. I ring triple O…… I do CPR for ten mins…….nothing…….I hold her………crying………first car crew of paramedics turn up……..nothing……….second car crew of paramedics turn up………. nothing……..I’m still crying…………..
Is it controversial to allude to the fact that I have self diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder)? Yes I’ve had counselling, who wouldn’t when they lose a close friend like that…… I suppose quite a few people really……..however nobody ever suggested that I may have PTSD because I’m and ED nurse I deal with death all the time……… Hhhmmm actually it really is easier to detach yourself from someone you don’t know. Death at work is hard but nowhere near as hard as losing someone you really care about. My recent months of self-reflection in my cosy beautiful new house have made me really consider the possibility that I have been dealing with a bit of PTSD. That’s even if its possible to have just a bit of PTSD and not a lot of it…..it seems only fair that it comes in different degrees depending on the trauma experienced by the person and how resilient or not the person is. The old house holds so many good memories, of kiddies first steps and birthday parties, and sadly all I see now is pain, gut wrenching heart-break……… Mini anxiety attacks about walking through the front door or being alone in there………. Nonsense really or completely warranted or maybe even controversial……….
Its coming up to two years muffin and I miss you like crazy……. I know your bf does too……….We still always talk about you……..And spending time with your family always gives me a great sense of peace and happiness……..I know what you’re thinking……. Suck it up princess……..But don’t forget……. I know the sweet you…….the one that sent me msgs at night, saying hug a baby for me Nooshie………I don’t think about you as much as I want to cause it’s still too painful………
I’ve been waking up feeling grateful to be living this wonderful life, despite all the recent challenges we’ve faced as a family. I’ve had great support from friends and my family have really pulled together to support each other. All the new challenges and the move into our new home have really helped me reaffirm that I am a really strong resilient person. I know me and enjoy being me, PTSD or not! The things in life I’m most grateful for each day are the wonderful moments I get to spend with my loved ones and the amazing moments I experience frequently at work, through helping others!
I think I’m back to being me without the worry and anxiety…….or am I ‘back’ to being me? Maybe I’ve become a stronger better version of me…….. Oh of course I have, no controversy about that……
Sooooo remember what we used to say when we went shopping and complained about the clothes not fitting us………lol
Lets fake it till we make it baby 🙂
Never take anyone you care about for granted people because one day it might be too late to tell them how great they are!!
So for now, again I send a big shout out to all the amazing people in my life you all know who you are!! However in particular my kiddies, Stu, my mumma, Brennos (always and forever here for ya!), my sisters and all my beautiful mates!!
And if you haven’t seen my new house yet, it’s definitely worth a visit!! So beautiful, warm and happy!!
Today and for as long as it takes, I’ll be wearing my poker face 😉
Peace, Love and Happiness xoxoxox 🙂
Noosha's Beautiful People 